Righttrack Whispers: Finding Common Ground

by Liz Moyles

"Before I judge another man, let me walk a mile in his moccasins"
Native American proverb

When Native American Indians wanted to understand how another person “ticked” they would try to walk in the same way as that person. Hence the phrase "before I judge another man, let me walk a mile in his moccasins". This exercise provided the Native Americans with some valuable clues as to the person they were trying to understand (e.g. their possible thoughts, fears, concerns, pressures, and an insight into the reason for some of their actions, even how the other person may view them).

Despite the passage of time, some things remain the same, and in modern day life we have just the same need to understand others, especially if we are trying to develop a good working relationship with them and / or trying to influence them.

In business there are clearly many occasions when we need to prepare well to create the right impact and influence others and their decision-making. Meetings are just one such example and yet many meetings can seem to hit a stale-mate or impasse with much precious time appearing to be wasted going round and round in circles. The phrase "in meetings, minutes are taken and hours are wasted" could be all too worryingly familiar to some.

By trying to understand the other parties better in advance of our interactions we could potentially not only save valuable time but also gain greater personal satisfaction from the interaction itself. It comes to mind, that perhaps this could have been a useful tool for The Royal Mail and The CWU Union.

Putting Yourself In The Other Person’s Moccasins

In negotiations around independence for India, it is said that Gandhi would arrive at meetings one hour before everyone else, so that he could sit in each person’s seat in turn to understand their point of view. You can do the same.

Putting yourself fully into the position of the other party takes more than simply thinking on paper about the other party’s needs and style. It involves actively imagining yourself into that person’s "shoes" or persona:

Understanding the pressures they feel under to make the right decision
Understanding what drives them and interests them
Imagining the network of other people / the stakeholders whom they need to represent
and whom they will need to explain any decisions
Understanding the WIIFM- ‘what’s in it for me’ elements of the situation
Understanding the WIIFT- ‘what’s in it for them’ – i.e. the silver bullets / the hooks which will
enable this person to ‘sell’ in any revised decision / outcome to their own stakeholders

Below are some guidelines for putting this exercise into practice:

Even if there are more than 2 parties involved in the situation you are trying to understand more fully, start this exercise focusing initially on only 1 other individual and gradually introduce the other parties and consider their situations as you did for the initial person; replicate the same steps but for the bigger numbers.

1. Start by setting up two chairs in a meeting format. First sit in “your chair” and look at the person you want to understand. Really, get clear about your own thoughts and emotions about that person and the situation. How do you feel about the other person? What are your reasons for these feelings? What do you do / not do around this person? What is it you want to achieve from the relationship with this person? What pressures are you under? What stakeholders do you have to respond to? What do you want to achieve? Stay in this position until you have these thoughts clear in your mind.

2. Once you are clear about this leave your chair and sit in the "other person’s" chair and imagine you are them and that you are sat in that chair “looking at you”. If you know them, imagine their posture and body language. Think about how they have prepared for this situation. What is most important for them? What are their hot buttons? Who will they have to explain the decision to afterwards? What pressures do they feel under? How might they feel about you?

3. Have you begun to identify some ‘common ground’? You can use this to i) keep the climate of a discussion warm and ii) call upon when you appear to be hitting stale-mate. Remember, the aim of this exercise is not to ‘grow’ to like the other person but to at least develop your understanding of them (although sometimes, the clients I have dealt with have gained some really surprising insights about how the other person may be feeling and this has led to real friendships being formed!).

Once you believe you have fully understood the other person’s needs, move to a third position – stand somewhere where you can observe both parties objectively. From this observer’s role, what things do you want to share with ‘you’? What common ground can you identify for use in discussions, what advice and qualities would you like to give to the “you” sat in “your chair”?

Finally, go back to “your chair”, sit in it again and allow all the insights and advice to integrate within you as you look at the other person again. You are very likely to find you suddenly know what is required to have the impact and influence you want.

This process can now be repeated for the other participants in the meeting or discussion.

Applications for This Exercise

Through this exercise you can learn how to shape what you present in a discussion or meeting so that you can influence the individual, tick their triggers and help them by providing them with the “silver bullets” with which to explain to others their decision.

The studying of common ground / walking in another person’s moccasins, allows us to get a closer understanding of another’s position and this is a powerful tool in a number of situations e.g.

Dealing with staff members who seem difficult or disruptive
Gaining buy-in to change
Winning fair and effective relationships with colleagues, clients, patients and other stakeholders
Preparing for an interview or interview panels

This powerful exercise can appear too deceptively simple but it does require real application. I have had some excellent successes both personally and with clients, using this exercise in different situations and to achieve many different objectives.